Anxiety

Anxiety is such an annoyingly dehabilitating disorder. That little voice in your head that keeps spouting "What If"s at any little thing. "What if people think-" yeah what if?? It's often outlandish too. Like "What if you fall into the sky?" OK?? And what if the world was made of pudding. Like of course that's not gonna happen.

Sometimes it's ridiculously mundane and obvious too. Like today I was thinking "I don't wanna make a fanlisting because what if people see my website?" I'm sorry my website??? My public website that anyone can see?? The one I put on the internet for the express purpose of learning code out in the open? The website anyone can stumble across with tags? The site that's linked in every tumblr post I make about it? That website????? Yeah bitch, I hope people see my website! Dumbass. XD

I've personally found that personifying these thoughts has helped greatly. Mostly personifying them as some bitchy teenage girl in high school. Double works because I'm a grown adult. "Omg you can't wear that" fuckin' watch me, Jessica. Who cares what you think? It's worked for years.

Sometimes I can seem impulsive because I'm pushing so hard against the goopy wall of anxiety that I come rocketing out the other end. If that makes sense? Like you know the bug gym in Pokemon Black & White? Where you gotta push through the honey? It's kind of like that but mentally.

I'm not gonna lie, it's not all triumph. As a teenager, I genuinely felt like I was being suffocated in the honey; clamming up with a massive lump in my throat. The voice was scarier then. Kept me quiet. So I sat there, like a bug drowning in a pool.

It was a process to get to where I am now, but I made it. Now, it's still sticky. My brain will probably always be full of bees. But I learned how to live with them. I learned to handle pushing through honeycomb. My legs still lock up in some situations, but I'm learning. I'm growing.

I hope writing this and laughing about the silliness of it all helps somebody that's going through the same shit. Anxiety is a shit-ass disorder, but you learn to push through.

The fanlisting I was thinking of making was for Vylet Pony, by the way. Let me know if anyone wants that.